One Year, My How Time Flies…

Holy shit.

It’s already been a year, my how time flies.

It’s kinda crazy how we are constantly changing as human beings, making mistakes, learning from them, growing, and changing our perspectives and the way we look at things.

I started this blog to document my bikini journey to the stage, to hold myself accountable, and to inspire others. I started this blog in hopes and dreams of making it big and becoming a sponsored athlete. My waking thoughts until the moment I laid my head down at night were glitz, glam, photo shoots, a perfect body, and a career in being a fitness model.

For the longest time I was trapped inside my own head, completely lost in myself, and I turned the very thing I loved into an obsession that would tear me apart physically and mentally.

Screen Shot 2014-10-23 at 6.34.10 PM

This is me 5-6 months ago. Hungry, unhappy, and erratic. April 2014.

The dream wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. I sacrificed friends, family, happiness, and myself for 2 minutes and 47 seconds on stage and afterwards I said to myself, “That was it?!” I didn’t feel those anxious butterflies, I didn’t get those endorphins or the adrenaline rush, I didn’t get that overwhelmingly ecstatic feeling that I’ve heard about from so many fellow competitors.

The best part about that day was meeting all the great uplifting gals back stage, and the relief that it was over and I could eat that god damn greasy burger, pretzels with queso, and fries piled high.

After all was said and done, I couldn’t even have peace after that! I suffered from ‘post comp’ blues all Summer! What the hell! This ‘thing’ wasn’t gonna let go. I felt like a freakin’ bloated whale carcass! Another 3 months of body issues and internal drama with my self esteem.

FINALLY. I finally found happiness in not giving a fuck. Not giving two shits how many grams of fat I had that day. You know what fat does? Keeps you fuller longer and provides you with energy at your mundane desk job or hours spent studying. Not giving a flying fuck how many carbs I went over. You know what carbs do? Provide you with energy for those strenuous workouts and long distance runs.

Point is. I’m happy now. Truly 110% happy with where I’m at mentally, physically, and how I’m achieving my fitness, work, school, and life goals. That’s what it’s all about people.

You know what the funniest part about all of this is? Now that I’m truly happy, and promoting a realistic healthy life style, I feel like my ‘following’ or ‘stardom’ has definitely gotten knocked down a few pegs. Sure, maybe it’s my lack of selfies or douche-bag-trainer-posts but what the hell. At first it ‘hurt my feelings’ that people weren’t worshipping my ridiculous abs or telling me how shredded I am but the truth is – I AIN’T FUCKING SHREDDED NO MORE! I don’t need to weigh 110 pounds consisting of only bone, muscle, and failing organs to gain approval from the internet.

Update

This is me today. Healthy, strong, and happy. September 2014.

This is me, uncut, raw, and real. Take it or leave it.

From now this blog is just gonna be an ebb and flow of my thoughts, fitness related or not. You can choose to keep reading if you like, but if real life thoughts aren’t your thing you can move onto the next blog, I ain’t crying.

For those of you who have been reading, thanks. It means a lot that some people find interest in my sporadic posting. I hope we can have another year together! If not, I’m fine flying solo.

Have a great night, and thanks for reading.

~Jess

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4 thoughts on “One Year, My How Time Flies…

  1. Interesting. I have come to a similar conclusion. I was trying to compete in a healthy way, but I look back and think about all the time and money I poured into competing and while I learned a lot I am ready for my next chapter– which may or may not include competing. I am ready to pour my time and energy into helping others find fitness in a healthy way. Good luck!

    • Thanks so much! Yes, I completely agree. I realize my post might have come off like doing a bikini competition ruined my life. It didn’t though! I’m so glad I did it, I had the dedication to do something to bold and daring! I definitely learned from the experience and have a better understanding of how I want to approach fitness for my future! I want to portray a positive healthy life style that is manageable and honest 🙂

      Thanks for reading!
      ~Jess

  2. You look amazing, first and foremost — so strong and healthy! With killer abs as a bonus 🙂 I haven’t competed or anything like that but I so relate to the feeling of letting go and finally giving zero fucks and just BEING. it’s amazing. So happy for you, what an awesome post.

    • Thank you so much! That truly means the world to me! I want to promote a healthy REALISTIC lifestyle, not an obsession. Being active should be fun, and should be used for mental benefits and internal physical benefits, the aesthetics are a bonus 😉 I literally can’t focus and study unless I’ve worked out, I HAVE to have movement in my life!

      ~Jess

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