Self Realization

You know what I discovered about myself? I’m one lazy mother******.

This Summer I’ve been struggling with my fitness goals. I haven’t been counting my macros, I’ve been drinking like a fish, and I’ve been meeting the bare minimum of my workouts. I haven’t even created a bucket list, gone camping, or read a book. When I get home, I park my a$$ on the couch, cuddle with my dog, and veg out on the TV. I’m lazy. I hate cooking, it’s pretty much the worst. I’ll let my clean laundry sit in the basket until it’s full and I’m forced to fold it. I keep the house clean generally, but I think it’s so I don’t feel like a complete lazy P.O.S.

lazy

I think I stayed on a better regimented track during school due to the common fear of “the Freshman 15lbs”. Working out was also most likely a form of procrastination from homework. This Summer I’ve been working out as a form of transportation commuting home, or when it’s convenient. I haven’t been hitting my “calories-burned-per-workout” goal either. I hardly eat salad for lunch anymore, I’m all about sushi, tacos, and Indian food. Is it possible that I’m STILL burned out from Emerald Cup last year in April?!

cupcake

I used to love fitness, and I used to be so conscious of what I ate. Now I’m like, “Ehhhh, whatever.” Part of me is happy that I’m not obsessive anymore, I’m not so “into myself” that I have to announce to the world, “I went to the gym today” on my Facebook status. Sure, I still take photos of my abs and share them on IG, just because I’m so surprised I still have them and to motivate myself to keep them. I’m happy with my body and I’m happy with my life, I can’t help but think that because I’ve chilled out on the fitness and health stuff, maybe I’m really just lazy and it’s carrying over into other areas of my life.

workout

Fitness and health has been a form of control for me, an organizational structure, a way I lived my life, being disciplined, being able to say no to that cookie, being able to pick my a$$ up after an exhausting day and torch some calories anyways, and partially a way to define myself and set myself apart.

I think in a way, social media desensitized me from all that, Instagram especially. A few years ago I started following all these fitness pages, becoming so inspired to compete in a bikini competition. After my competition I started looking at those pages feeling envious that I was no longer that lean, that muscular, and that cut, and that’s when I realized how unrealistic maintaining that level of leanness really was. I immediately began to regret putting my body through that hell with nothing to show for it afterwards except a damaged body, hurt self esteem, and broken relationships.

jen-selter-instagram-butt-star

Now I scroll through my Instagram feed feeling and saying, “Mehhhh.” I’m desensitized to the fitness hype. Everyone’s a fitness buff, there’s nothing unique about it. Everyone’s the same, they want to “inspire” when really it’s a popularity contest, it’s self advertising, and it’s self gratification, it has nothing to do with the well being of others or the desire to inspire. There’s only a handful of people I follow who actually might give a damn about helping others get motivated.

Despite feeling jaded by the fitness world, that doesn’t mean I should say, “F*** it, I don’t give a s*** anymore” and let myself go. I care about my health and the only person I need to be healthy for is ME. I don’t need anyone else’s approval or affirmations. I want to live a long healthy life with the least amount of physical restrictions as I age, I want to be strong and able bodied, and most of all I want to achieve a healthy balanced state of mind.

alice

~Jess

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