Sometimes when I feel like I’m on a role and I’ve got shit figured out, I hit a massive bump in the road and go careening in a fucking ditch questioning myself, “What the hell was I thinking?!”
Nothing quite like a slice of humble pie to remind yourself that you’ve 99 got problems, and perhaps a marriage ain’t one, but you have a whole new shit storm to deal with. I always wondered what it would be like to live on my own, kinda craved the freedom and the test of responsibility. Turns out being alone sucks sometimes and being a responsible human being really isn’t my forte. Fumbling through adulthood, pretending I know what I’m doing, making questionable decisions, and learning how to be alone. It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself and it’s even easier to fall off the wagon. Friends, family, and your support system can only do so much for you.
So instead of skulking like I have been doing for the past 24 hours, I commit to taking care of myself. Not just getting my shit together like doing homework, cleaning my house, laundry, paying my bills and the bare minimum, but to really fucking take care of myself. My mind, body, soul, and spirit. Trust me, I’m broken, we all are, some have just shattered into more pieces and take a lil’ while longer to clean up. Instead of creating distractions, I want to truly examine myself, ask the questions I keep evading, and consciously make an effort to improve my life and live up to my maximum potential. I visited the crossroads and I saw what each path held. I have every reason and excuse to fail given my history, but I refuse.
At the end of the day, it’s just you. You left alone with your own thoughts, goals, and aspirations. Yourself to depend on and yourself to make happy. Don’t expect anyone or anything to give you the happiness you deserve, you give that to yourself when you learn to love yourself.
I got this. Tomorrow is a new day. Next time I fall, I’ll pick myself up instead of waiting for someone else to. It’s just me 🙂 As frightening as that shit is some days, learning to be alone and love myself will eventually heal the wounds.