I’ve been debating doing a competition for months now. To compete again or not? Am I ready mentally and physically? What are my resources and who would be my support system? Should I be going balls to the wall or should I play it safe and just do my workout thing and wait to compete until next year? Am I ready for a calorie deficit and bro foods? Do I even have the time between a full time job, online school, and being a dog mom?
Well I’m doing it and I’ll be stepping on stage in 9 weeks for Emerald Cup yet again. So why? Why compete? Everyone has a different reason. My reason this time is very much different than my reason 2 years ago. 2 years ago I was hungry for gold, I wanted that plastic trophy, I wanted the tiara placed on my head, competing was my waking thought, continuous thought throughout the day, until I laid my head down at night where I would continue to dream about the stage.
2 years ago my prep was awful and my motivation quite vain and juvenile. I started dieting on 1,200 calories in January, 4 months before the show. I didn’t own a food scale so I under estimated all my chicken and turkey, so if I’m being honest, I was likely consuming between 800 – 1,000 calories a day. I lost my period for nearly a year, I had rashes and bruises that wouldn’t heal, and life on the home front wasn’t as peachy as I made it look. Competing was tough on my husband at the time. When the show was over, he said he would leave me if I ever competed again.
Well, 2 years later and he has left me. Not by my choice to compete, but by actions of his own. So I’m free. Free to do as I please. Free to surround myself with who I want. Free to follow my passions again, and free to not give a fuck about what everyone else is saying, doing, or thinking. Now is the perfect time to set my goals and hit them hard.
So what’s motivating me this year?
I am in the pursuit of physical and mental strength. I’m focusing on me 100%, something I never felt like I was able to do, and if I did, I was considered selfish. I’m done telling myself “You’re not beautiful, you’re not intelligent, you have no direction, you have no goals, you’re doing absolutely nothing with your life.” I’m done allowing my broken marriage to continue breaking my spirit. I’m proving to myself, and only me, that I have drive, passion, focus, and it’s okay to think about me and it’s okay to tell myself I’m beautiful.
I have such an awesome support system, I’ve met so many cool people already this second time around. My coach is a bad ass, let’s me blow up his phone with 5 million questions, he’s feeding me lots of food and I feel great. I’m getting my meals and nutrition from Physique Kitchen, delicious steak, rosemary potatoes and the works! 4oz this year looks different than “4oz” 2 years ago. I haven’t been hungry and the muscles are poppin’!
One of the reasons this sport is so appealing to me is you have control, you become so in tune with your own body, you are your own science experiment, you are the potter and the clay, every day you are learning. This year I am less concerned with a gold trophy, even though I will work hard like I’m winning first place. No, this year I’m hungry for a good experience, knowledge, and mental gain.