9 Signs You’re Single AF

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It’s been a hot minute since I wrote a blog post. Typically I would update with a fitness post, but I’m trying to keep that part of my life low key. I have a new coach and team who I’m really excited to work with, but I won’t be making any announcements for a few months.

That being said, I thought I would get in touch with my more comedic real life writing.

The past 8 months I’ve been single AF. At first it was a bummer, like, “What the hell is wrong with me?!” But now I can’t help but laugh a little. I’m no longer fighting the fact that I’m single, I’ll accept that shit with open arms. Sure, a giant California King gets kinda lonely when your dog has no concept of cuddling, but that’s more room to sleep like a fucking psycho in a straight jacket, waking up horizontal, diagonal, or upside down.

Here’s a few signs that you’re single AF if you didn’t already know, which I hope you do? These have been applicable for me, but may not be for everyone:

  1. You’re not even really sure what a date is – What’s a date anyhow? Do you go somewhere dressed up or dressed down? Do you have to spend money? Is dating simply spending time with someone? According to Dictionary.com, a date is, “a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged before hand with another person.” Still pretty clueless…. 
  2. Sure you have a Boyfriend, if we’re referring to your pet – Boyfriend takes up any time you would have for a real human Boyfriend anyways. He doesn’t talk, he just sits there looking cute, and he’s always fucking excited to see you when you come home. Sure he eats cat poop and you can’t kiss him, but some days he beats a real boyfriend anyways.
  3. You have no real food in the house – Your most commonly used apps on your phone are Door Dash, East 24, and Prime Now…. there’s no need to cook or have real food in the house anyways, you’re feeding one mouth, and you know exactly what you like, that delicious beef Pad Thai from that Thai place down the street…. brought to you.
  4. You spend all your time in the gym – No boyfriend? More gains! You’d think with that bangin’ bod you’re building finding a dude would be a cake walk, but alas, that’s where you’re wrong. Perhaps you need to wipe off that resting bitch face.
  5. Your couch has one spot that is “broken in” – Yup, that’s where you park your fat single ass, smoke a bowl, veg out watching comedy laughing to yourself while eating your body weight in almond butter …. alone. Probably a good thing you’re alone too, because if not, you’re sure to be alone after someone see’s that side of you.
  6. You get friend zoned by anyone you show interest in – You’re just a really “great friend.” *Rolls eyes* Okaaaaay. Your idea is to move on, but then you end up being best friends with anyone who has ever friend zoned you. How sick and twisted. A joke from the Universe ….. Thanks Universe.
  7. Your manager wants to play match maker – You’re sure they’re kidding, but you can’t help but get all nervous, blush, runaway and hide. Girl, that’s NOT how you get yourself a man….
  8. People say, “You’re single?! How?!” – One of my favorites. “I dunno! If I fucking knew maybe I wouldn’t BE single. Will you date me?! Didn’t think so……” The other side is, “It’s my choice, men are overrated.”
  9. You deleted all your dating apps – Well duh. No wonder you’re single. However, when you DID have all the dating apps and gadgets, everyone proved to be a fucking ass wipe anyhow, so you’re really not missing out on much.

I’m sure there’s PLENTY more signs of being single AF, but these were a few of my favorites.

The past 8 months I’ve learned so much about myself and have achieved a level of inner peace that I would have thought impossible last September. For those of you that know me or have been reading my blog for a while will know I recently went through a rough divorce. I can confidently say that I am healing and my ex and I are good friends, another thing I would have thought impossible. I genuinely want the best for him and we both talk regularly about what’s going on in our lives. We shared a lot of great memories and experiences and he will always be one of my best friends.

That being said, I’m glad he’s finding happiness and seeing other people! In the mean time, I’m embracing that single life. Crushin’ gym PR’s, crushin’ pizza PR’s, working 60 hour work weeks, staying on top of my classes, and checking off some items on my “Single Life Bucket List.”

~Jess

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