The more time I spend alone, the more I enjoy it, and the more I find it difficult to find people I DO enjoy.
I feel as though I’m living in a paradox where I crave another person’s company to keep me warm at night, to laugh and bullshit, and create memories with; but the thought of another person occupying the same space as me, seeing them everyday, and feeling obligated to make time for them exhausts me.
I currently reside in the Twilight Zone of Singledom. This stage has been by far the most liberating and rewarding. I know what I want, but I also understand and can accept the fact that I’m not mentally prepared to enter a relationship. Neither do I want to…
This past year I’ve been in every situation imaginable. Some of which are comedic, others sad and pathetic, and some that are just…. wtf? No matter how fucked up or awkward some encounters have been, I believe each one of them has happened for a reason, helping me achieve peace, acceptance, and a general IDGAF attitude as I aimlessly float about this Twilight Zone.
Let’s start from the beginning shall we?
First guy I really took an interest in was pretty dope and I quickly became obsessed. Fitness guru who partakes in the ganja, nerdy sense of humor, and was pretty much going through the exact thing I was, so we understood each other. Although things didn’t pan out in the relationship department, I have a great friend who respects me and helped me through a tumultuous time. He taught me how to listen and how to be empathetic.
Second guy was basically a GQ model. He was the gateway to becoming more “adventurous” during my period where open relationships sounded like a good idea. I met him off Tinder while he was visiting family for the holidays. When he went back to Cali I quickly invited him to come live with me while he looked for a job. He drove up and it was all so surreal and new, but one week turned into two, turned into three, and I quickly discovered how much I enjoy my personal space and how we did NOT mesh. We were polar opposites. Religious conservative and hippy dippy peace loving liberal living under the same roof. Tensions were high, I became depressed, and I asked him to leave. We still talk and he lives in the area. He taught me that I value my space and require plenty of alone time to recharge.
Third guy taught me I should tame my sexual prowess and practice safety first ….. Nothing like a good scare as a reality check….. An obvious word of advice, make sure your sexual partner checks out BEFORE engaging in any sexual activity. Sure it might be a buzzkill right before they slip it in, but do you really want to carry a disease for life? No thanks. There’s my mommy rant for the day…. Sex Ed is way under appreciated these days… He taught me to be safe, cautious, and honest.
Fourth guy I ended up being the “other woman.” Never thought that person would be me, but I guess there’s a first time for everything. It might sound backwards, but he taught me to have respect for myself, to proceed with caution when I meet people, to truly love myself and see my own beauty and potential, and to never settle. He taught me that I deserve more than many people give me, and one day the person that will offer me the most will enter my life when they are meant to.
Fifth guy ….. all the good things and more. But after months of back and forth, we decided that staying friends would be best. Banging bod, partakes in the ganj, and most importantly someone I can share a strong spiritual connection with. Oddly, after meeting him and beginning to talk to him, my life became still. My once scattered life started to rearrange itself and all the pieces fell into place. I learned how to breathe again. He taught me what it means not only to love myself, but what it means to love others, and HOW to love others. The different shades and dimensions that make love so complex and yet so simple.
So where am I at right now?
At peace mostly. I’m content and I enjoy my solitude. I’m appreciative and grateful. Have I been bitter? Yes. Do the waves of bitterness come and go? Yes. But I know those waves will pass, and I know what I truly want, and I’m okay with waiting. Hell, take your time Universe…. I’m coastin’…..