O shit, Jess’s favorite topic. This isn’t dreary, bitter, or desperate, this is something I’ve realized about myself, and for better or for worse, I feel compelled to share.
I think the main reason why I’m single, and why I probably will be for a while is because I refuse to date. All year I’ve been trying to figure out, “What is dating?” I looked up the definition online which was pretty vague and referred to any previously planned engagement as a “date.” I went on what I believe to be dates, but never made a connection. I don’t know, there’s something about meeting a bunch of people with the sole purpose of meeting someone to BE with that doesn’t make sense to me. Call me old fashioned, but I want to meet naturally. I don’t want to be looking. In fact, maybe I’ll find them to be an asshole at first. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with dating and wanting to be with someone, share a life with them, and build something together with, but I want to be so confident in who I am, what I want, be able to build it on my own and meet someone who has done the same who wants to fuse their passion with mine and we create something new that is ours.
Another reason why I think I’m still single…. I haven’t found that passion yet, but I feel like I’m closer every day. I’ve been told by few friends and family that I’m easy to talk to, approachable, non judgmental when I listen, emphatic of people’s experiences, and know which questions to ask that help people better understand their own behaviors or gain new perspectives. I’m in love with my Sociology class, and I truly enjoy learning about the human psyche, why we are the way we are, why we act the way we do, our fears, what we find comfort in, and how we interact with those around us. Every day I’m feeling more confident in the pursuit of Psychology and as each day passes, I find myself detaching from social needs. I don’t need affirmations from a significant other or my friends, I don’t even necessarily need affirmations from my family. I’m here for a purpose, to learn as much as I can, fulfill my duty to help those in need, to work hard, and spread love. Easy as that. Simply make the world a better place.
Another reason I’m still single, although I’m not actively looking: I know the type of person I want, and I know they are very few and far between. This kind of ties into the reason why I won’t date. I know this type of person will capture me without even trying. They will be kind, humble, compassionate, yet confident, full of ambition, and full of respect for everything around them. They will be selfless and full of passion, not only for their calling and their vision, but for me, their family and friends, and beyond. Sounds like a perfect person who I most certainly don’t deserve, but I refuse to lower my expectations because I know there are fellow lovers and dreamers out there.
I also don’t respond to booty calls. Even if I did respond to booty calls, I would still be as single as I am now, let’s be real… this generation. Bottom line – casual sex is not my jam. I find nothing satisfactory about casual sex besides, “Cool, did that.” God forbid I want to know the person I’m having sex with is a decent human being! Where do you draw the line between knowing your “casual sex partner” well enough to have sex with them, but not well enough to develop an emotional bond with that becomes a “relationship”? The lines are too blurry and I’m too lazy to compartmentalize and separate my emotions from the bedroom. If I’m banging you, then I’m crazy about you. That’s why it feels so fucking good. That’s what makes it ‘making love.’ If that makes anyone uncomfortable, what a shame because that’s what the good stuff in life is made of.
I’m a believer in love and I believe we will have multiple loves in our life time. You would think having this mind set and approach would open up my options, but I believe it narrows them, but in the best way possible. I find that a lot of people struggle with the fact that I’ve been married before. I don’t blame them, especially since I’m such good friends with Derek, but a lot of people don’t understand all aspects love and how immeasurable it truly is, what different types of love there are, and how love is expressed. I myself am still learning what love is: self love, love of friends and family, and a general love and compassion for others and a desire to fill the world with good. Love is a crazy beautiful state of being, and I would never ask anyone to be any less.
The last reason I’m single…. I won’t change my agenda for anybody. I’m very goal oriented in my career, I will work overtime if I have to, my education is important to me, so I hardly see my friends enough as it is, and my health is important to me so if I’m not working or studying, I’m training or meal prepping. I also value my sleep, I try to be in bed by 11pm every night aside from weekends. The chances of me getting out are slim to none. If I do go out, it’s because I feel like it’s my social obligation to feel even remotely human. This speaks in general to all my friends: If I want to Netflix and chill with you, you’re important to me, no matter how boring that may be. If I want to feed you by taking you out or cooking for you, you’re important to me and this is my attempt to show you I care. If I stay up past my bedtime for you, I’m probably tired and pissed, but I still have love for you and let you keep me up anyways. If I don’t want to see you, don’t be butt hurt, I probably just need to recharge from the obstacles of life I’m confronted with daily. One thing I have to constantly remind myself of: “You don’t need to feel bad for not having a social life, simply crush your goals and meet those who are doing the same along the way.”
There ya have it! More single shit from your favorite single girl. A lot of people look at my single posts, statuses, and memes as sad desperation, but if any of you truly knew me, you would know that I’ve found humor in the situation, and it has in fact been an enlightening experience. I am learning more and more each day and it feels good to start building a healthy relationship with myself. I’m observing how I react, my own thought processes, how I interact with others, why I create and carry out certain habits, how to break unhealthy habits, and how to empathize with others. I’ve learned my own lessons, made my own mistakes, procured my own debt, have dealt with rejection, handled my first flight experience alone, handled my first major surgery alone, have dealt with a Peeping Tom creeping around my house, and have met every challenge head on. I’ve also had some of the most liberating spiritual experiences alone. I’ve experienced my first solo Ego death, I learned how to forgive and let go of the poison in my life, and I learned how to love again.
This chapter has been a blessing and I look forward to experiencing and sharing more from this beautiful stage of life…