9 Signs You’re Broke AF

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We’ve all been there, broke AF. I don’t consider myself completely broke, obviously I have a home to live in, food to eat, and luxuries such as internet, a dope gym, a dope coach, a dog who’s always well fed, and so on. Needless to say, I’ve been cutting costs where I can so I can eventually purchase a car and still have a comfortable amount in my savings.

Here goes! Just a few signs of me being a penny pinching tight ass:

  1. You have to cancel your PornHub Premium Account – Ultimate bummer for a single lady, but honestly, I hadn’t really used the account after the whole Peeping Tom situation. I can’t even watch porn in the comfort of my own home without worrying about someone lurking around. I’m saving $10 bucks a month, that’s about $120 a year. That’s a decent chunk of money that could go to my car insurance. Alright, alright, alright…
  2. You actually look at the service fees on your delivery app receipts – This one surprised me! All Saturday I Netflix and chilled with my damn self and I wanted some seafood fried rice from the Pho joint down the road. I was scrolling through my apps trying to find the best delivery deal: DoorDash, Eat24, and Prime Now…. yes I know, lazy AF, but it was a monsoon outside and I didn’t feel like trekking through that. I discovered with DoorDash that you automatically pay tax, duh. Then the service fee which is an automatic 18% gratuity for the restaurant. Okaaaaay. I feel like I should choose the tip amount. THEN the $5.99 delivery fee for the company, and THEN the tip amount for the driver…. so your $12.99 fried rice turns into a $20 ordeal…. hell no.
  3. Your savings account has locked you out of transferring $$$ to your checking – First of all, fuck you bank. I can transfer as many times as I please, it’s my damn money. Second, obviously if I’m trying to transfer the money I worked hard for and saved, I probably NEED it for an emergency. Sure, transferring is frowned upon, but I’ve had a lot of friends I’ve helped using my savings, not to mention bogus situations that have happened to myself where I’ve needed to pull from savings as well.
  4. You actually care if people eat your food in the fridge – Usually I’m like, “Whatever” especially if I’m buying bulk from Costco and I can’t eat 800 yogurts by myself. BUT…. my protein shit… I care. Those are my gains you’re stealing. Unless you’re also riding the gain train, please don’t touch my protein. My body physically hurts if I don’t get enough and that shit is expensive. Do you want me to die? Don’t answer that…
  5. God forbid anyone turn on the heat in the house! – I control the heat. End of story. If I’m paying the heating bill, it better be $50 or less a month, because I don’t turn on the heat. If it’s somehow over $100, why the fuck am I freezing in my room and the other side of the house is a sauna and everyone’s wearing fucking shorts like we’re in the Bahamas? No. Put on ski pants for all I care, or pitch in on the bill and we good.
  6. You roll into the weed shop with a budget, no more ballin’– I’m gonna sound like a brat, but when I rolled into the weed store, money wasn’t an issue. I knew I wanted an eighth of an Indica Hybrid and an eighth of a Sativa Hybrid and I would say, “Surprise me with your best shit.” I’d obviously spend over a hundred and that would last me a decent amount, but over the Summer I started burning through it pretty quick. After taking a break I rolled in there again, but this time with a budget. Still got some fire, but actually had to think, “Well I’ll have this much left until my next paycheck. I can eat with that right?”
  7. You wanna go out on the weekend, but remember LYFT prime time rates – Let me start by saying I calculated how much I spent in LYFT rides in August just for the hell of it…. it was $715. WHAT?! How does that even happen?! Granted I was working two jobs and needed to LYFT in between jobs, but other than that, my sheer laziness literally cost me hundreds of dollars. I’ve been doing much better limiting my LYFT rides. However, sometimes I want to go to Seattle and get drunk with homeboy, but I remember LYFT prime time rates. Pretty much an arm, a leg, a couple fingers, and an eyeball. Fuck that. I will become one with my couch instead, you’re welcome to join, it gets lit.
  8. You reminisce about the days you ate steak every weekend – “Remember that weekend you had steak for lunch and dinner on Saturday AND Sunday? Yeah…. that was awesome.” I had no idea what fiber was, I’m surprised all that red meat didn’t wreck me. I honestly don’t remember the last time I had a delicious medium rare home made steak. Sometimes I think to myself, “You deserve John Howie.” Yes… I DO deserve John Howie, but I also want food for the rest of the week.
  9. You’re trying to sell your body parts – Quite literally. Last year I donated my eggs and I’ll be honest, I was a fool with the compensation. I thought to myself, “Woohooooo! I’m single! I can do whatever the hell I want!” I still have a decent sum saved, but I know I could have been much wiser about how I spent it… not spending it at all. I’m trying to donate my eggs again, but with a much better agenda for the compensation: a car, pay off some debt, a vacation in another country, and savings.

~Jess

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