I am beyond excited, I could hardly sleep last night. I’ve been diving deeper and deeper into the topic of love, human nature and our intense hyper sexuality, the flaws in the societal weave of marriage across cultures, and our suppression of free love. The more I study in school and leisurely read books on these topics, the more confident I am in the pursuit of knowledge in Human Sexual Psychology. If that becomes a career, dope. If not, also dope. The more you know.
Over the past year my definition of love has evolved just as much as I have. There have been many times where I thought I finally achieved self love. However, self love is a constant mindful effort, it’s a lifelong journey and relationship with yourself. Although some days are better than others, I can confidently say I have developed a healthy relationship with myself which hopefully emanates through my relationships with others. Having developed a rhythm of love for myself, I started assessing the love I have for others: friends, family, lovers, and everyone in between.
I stumbled upon a burning question as I assessed my love for each individual in my life. In regards to romantic intimate love, is it possible to love more than one person? I felt guilty for considering that perhaps I could. But wait a minute….. what kind of society creates a culture in which a person feels guilty for loving? Call me hippie dippy if you like, but humans have a unique capacity for deeper understanding, this is exhibited through how we communicate using verbal language, how we express ourselves with body language, the arts, philosophy, and so much more. We are complex creatures. Limiting our magnitude to love is a disservice to our species.
In the book I am currently reading, Sex at Dawn, Christopher Ryan argues that the development of agricultural practice is what debilitated humanity and created a less than ideal culture in which we no longer share our resources, but rather we have become possessive and materialistic in a capitalist society. We own things, we want more, we are envious of what the next person has, we OWN our partner, we are shackled by socioeconomic norms.
“What constitutes misuse of the universe? This question can be answered in one word: greed…. Greed constitutes the most grievous wrong.”
-LAURENTI MAGESA, African Religion: The Moral Traditions of Abundant Life
I refuse to believe that greed is an intrinsic human trait. Our ancestors used to live in forager gatherer communities in which all resources were shared: food, water, shelter, protection, and yes… that’s right…. sex. Our ancestors participated in sex with multiple partners to express friendship, to comfort, and to create strong bonds within their communities.
Does that make you feel uncomfortable? Do you argue, “Well that was sooooo long ago, times have changed.” If it weren’t for our ancestors ability to share resources, share responsibilities of raising young, and live in a harmonious protected community where men could trust their children would be cared for by their fellow brothers if they should encounter danger …. I can almost guarantee you we wouldn’t be here today.
So how did we get here? Along with the development of agricultural practice, religion has been no help in the situation either.
“Remember the Tenth Commandment: “Thou shalt not covert thy neighbors house, thou shalt not covert thy neighbors wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox,nor his ass, nor any thing that [is] thy neighbor’s.” Clearly, the biggest loser (aside from slaves, perhaps) in the agricultural revolution was the human female, who went from occupying a central respected role in foraging societies to becoming another possession for a man to earn and defend, along with his house, slaves, and livestock.”
― Cacilda Jethá,
What the actual fuck?
In a world where we are rapidly evolving: creating new gadgets, discovering cures for diseases (mostly brought on by ourselves), and sending people into space; we are also creating a polluted world, encouraging egocentric societies and cultures, and ultimately reducing the quality of life. Although there is no turning back, those of us full of love and brave of heart have the opportunity to challenge the status quo. Love is free and limitless, it is not possessive, it does not envy, and it is not jealous.
So how can a person romantically and intimately love more than one person? What about jealousy? How does one prioritize their time?
Trust me, as a divorcee, these are burning questions in which I’ve had over a year to ponder. Jealousy, anger, pride, possessiveness…. these are all products of our ego. Who am I to measure the love a man might show towards me and the love he may show towards another woman (or man)? These two separate experiences are unique in and of themselves, I would never ask anyone to limit their love. I encourage free love. I encourage freedom and sexual liberation. Prioritizing time? I love my independence and feel happy and whole alone. Anyone I would be involved with should have the same independence and wholeness alone as well. Everyone should learn to love themselves first, no, it’s not selfish, it’s the first step to loving others.
“Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves.” – Matt Kahn
I realize most of you reading this now may be in monogamous relationships or may have never considered polygamous or open relationships and think I’m absolutely crazy. Why though? Why is this concept so abnormal and bizarre? Is it the fear of the unknown, are you imagining the worst that could happen? I’ll let you in on a little secret, no matter how much you plan for your future and have an ideal picture of what that looks like, life is gonna come crashing in full force and will challenge any predisposed notions you had about the universe and the complex spectrum of humans. I promise.
“What if economic security and guilt-free sexual friendships were easily available to almost all men and women, as they are in many of the societies we’ve discussed, as well as among our closest primate cousins? What if no woman had to worry that a ruptured relationship would leave her and her children destitute and vulnerable? What if average guys knew they’d never have to worry about finding someone to love? What if we didn’t all grow up hearing that true love is obsessive and possessive? What if, like the Mosuo, we revered the dignity and autonomy of those we loved? What if, in other words, sex, love, and economic security were as available to us as they were to our ancestors? If fear is removed from jealousy, what’s left?”
― Christopher Ryan,
Challenge what you think you know.