The Power of Music

As much as I love discovering new music, I also love the power “old” music has to reawaken memories and emotions. Glitch Mob shared an article from the Smithsonian that refers to this experience as “frisson”, a sudden strong feeling of excitement or fear, a thrill. This causes a shudder throughout our body, causing our hair to stand on end. Quite frankly, I like to call this as an “orgasm.” Have you ever bitten into something so sweet and decadent that it literally shocked your taste buds and sent a shudder up the back of your neck and head? I also call this a type of orgasm.

Often times when I’m listening to Glitch Mob’s first album, or even second album, or the old industrial Gothic bands I used to listen to such as Neurotic Fish, Ashbury Heights, Zeromancer, VNV Nation, and especially Assemblage 23…. I ask myself, “Why do I like to subject myself to emotional pain and nostalgia?” Many of these bands I listened to when I was in a dark place, or I shared with someone who is no longer a part of my life. Some are bittersweet and I listen to with fondness, being transported back in time becoming one with everyone around me, moving and dancing in sync with the music, feeling so humbled by the beauty the artists shared with us. Memories so vivid and real as if they happened yesterday.

Having such a strong emotional connection with my music and art makes it difficult to share with new people, but I can’t blame them, they weren’t there, and they don’t share the same memories or emotional connection. Instead of becoming impatient and upset with them, I have to take a step back realize: they aren’t being ignorant and disrespectful, they simply haven’t had the opportunity to experience the art in the same way I have.

Glitch Mob will always remain my favorite and most revered group. My most memorable music experience was attending their show at the ShowBox Market for their “Drink the Sea” tour in 2010. Derek and I worked for USC events and managed to make the guest list for my birthday, we fought our way to the very front where Ooah, Boreta, and Edit donned all black apparel, drawing the attention away from themselves and solely focusing on their art form. Their performance was the most magnificent I had seen. The way they moved together fluidly and the way they inspired the crowd was incredible. When they performed “Between Two Points” Derek and I knew that would be our song. Even when I listen to it today, I still consider if our song, even more so now that we’re no longer together, lyrically it’s a bittersweet goodbye. At the end when they performed “West Coast Rocks” I had never seen a crowd get so thug nasty together, it was dope as fuck! The crowd went wild, everyone was a fucking G. When they ended their performance they came out into the crowd to meet everyone, they shook everyone’s hand, took pictures, talked to us like they were one of us, and genuinely thanked us for attending their show. They were humbled by US. Their attitude and love for their art inspired and humbled me and continues to do so: Starve the Ego, Feed the Soul.

I want to share the below song, not because it is my “favorite” necessarily, but because no matter where I am or what I’m doing, if I listen to this song I am brought to tears and shivers crawl up my spine. Not sad tears or happy tears, but the tears of someone who has experienced an ego death and is overcome with new insight. I feel truly humbled, liberated, and grateful for my own existence, every experience, every opportunity to learn and grow, and should the time come today, tomorrow, or 50 years from now, I feel truly prepared for the next phase of life.

mobsters2

~Jess

 

 

 

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Why?

Why what?

Why anything. Why do I do what I do? What is the driving force behind each action and each decision I make?

Let’s take something “simple” and break it down. Warning…. I will be completely honest with myself and with whomever is reading this.

Why am I choosing to compete? The simple answer which is an ego based lie is, “To push my body to the limits and see what I am capable of.”

The truth: I’m empty. I’m broken. I crave fulfillment. I crave purpose. I am burdened with the constant sense of inadequacy. I have never been enough.

Have I preached self love? Yes. Do I practice it? I do my fucking best. Do I fail? Yes. Every day is a struggle, and simply ignoring my subconscious thoughts about myself isn’t gonna cut it any longer.

Why do I carry this sense of inadequacy wherever I go? Let’s take a trip down memory lane….

As many of you know, I was adopted at age 7. My mom was a meth addict who abused alcohol while she was pregnant with me. She gave birth to me at age 16 and my Dad was 26. They didn’t stay together, they took turns trying to co parent and raise me, and I was recycled through countless foster homes, and sexually and mentally abused at a young age. I have vivid memories of being locked in closets, waking up to naked people passed out in my living room, salvaging for food in cupboards while my mom was getting nailed by multiple guys in her room, not having my diaper changed for days, foster families that would beat their own children in front of me, and sexual abuse that kills me to think about to this day because I’m convinced it was somehow MY fault.

My family didn’t want me. Hell, every foster family I lived with didn’t want me. You would think my day of salvation was the day I was adopted, but it wasn’t. It was a new chapter of pain and turmoil. Yes, I was adopted by a Christian family that showed me conditional love, gave me shelter, fed me, clothed me, but I endured a new form of mental abuse. Every day this idea of God was presented to me, if I ever lied, stole candy without asking, or sinned, he was watching me. I was ostracized from the family whether or not they realized it. I was always treated differently. They didn’t look at me the same way. They made me believe I had “attachment issues” and “abandonment issues.” All the church parents would gather round and talk about how fucked up their adopted kids were compared to their biological kids. I wasn’t allowed the same privileges as my older brothers. At a very young age I distinctly remember sitting in church as the pastor read a passage about the sheep in God’s right hand and the goats in God’s left hand. I pictured myself as the only goat in God’s left hand and the rest of the family as sheep in God’s right hand. No matter how hard they might have tried, I never in the 9 years that I lived with them felt like I was a part of their family.

One comment my adopted mom made regarding my weight that will stick with me forever, “Out of everyone in this family, you have the most fat potential.” What the fuck does that mean? She said it with a negative connotation and the word “fat” was in there, so it must not have been good. I learned what the word “potential” meant that day. Usually when you tell your kid they have potential for something, it’s for something good and positive. “You have the potential to change the world” or “You have the potential of a becoming a great artist, keep practicing!” Not, “You have the most potential to be fat.”

I already had a fucked up view of myself by the way they treated me, it quickly became worse with that comment and as I started going to school and socializing with other kids. In P.E. I was always the last kid picked on the team. No one passed me the ball and for good reason, I sucked. I believed I sucked, therefore I did. I always wore big baggy sweatshirts, hoods, and jeans. I hated shorts. I hated being in a swim suit. I hated being seen.

I had my first boyfriend during Freshman year. I remember the first time we held hands, the first time we kissed, the first time he choked me, and the second time he choked me. I wasn’t about to let it happen for a third time. The fucked up part was he had an image and reputation of being the “godly and pure” guy at school. He was a youth group leader and we played in our youth group band together. Everyone thought he was perfect. He wouldn’t have choked me if I didn’t deserve it, right?

High school was stupid as shit. Everyone pretending to be one thing, doing another. Even I pretended to have a relationship with God. Maybe I actually did, but it was short-lived and the only time my family showed me “love” or approval. As a conflicted teen being told I had all these issues, hopping from therapist to therapist, getting diagnosed with this or that, being put on these drugs ….. I started to act out and say “This is bullshit.” My family invaded my privacy, read my journals, took away every privilege including friends, internet, leaving the house, and music! Music for Christ’s sake…

I attempted running away so many times. April 20, 2008 was the day I left home with literally the clothes on my back and never went back. The only times I went back was when I was arrested for shop lifting and drinking in public. I had to drop out of school so the police wouldn’t pick me up and take me home again. I stayed off the grid and under the radar until I was 18 years old – over a year of hiding.

The greatest kindness I have ever been shown has been by complete strangers. People offered their couches, their homes, and the food on their table to me. Friends of Youth helped me obtain my birth certificate and SSN so I could start applying for jobs once I was 18. The true day of my salvation (so far) has been the day I decided I couldn’t live in a toxic environment any longer.

Over a year with no place to call home posed its own problems, as well as the internal struggle and self loathing. I was quickly introduced to the drug scene. I did cocaine before I had a beer, and I became heavily addicted to ecstasy, heroin, and meth. I recall one week long binge on ecstasy where I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, and I lost 15lbs. When I finally did sleep, I slept for two days straight and woke up so weak I almost blacked out in the shower. My ecstasy addiction got to the point where I didn’t have any serotonin left, and I would spend hours crying in bed, unable to move, and finding it difficult to breathe. Months later I was introduced to oxy, a drug that numbed your mind, interrupted the constant flow of thoughts, and allowed you to float on Cloud 9. Oxy’s were expensive though, so I turned to tar as a cheaper alternative. No matter how many times my friends tried to stop me, I refused to quit. Nothing they said mattered. Who were they to stop me from relieving the pain and suffering I endured? I got used to the nausea and vomit, all I wanted to do was turn off my brain. Whenever I would try to come off any drug, my weight would shoot up, and I developed an eating disorder. I fell into a vicious pattern of drug binges and bulimia. I still have journals saved from when I truly thought that my value and self worth depended on my self control to starve myself and control my weight.

Only one person’s words carried weight when I finally made the decision to quit everything. My ex husband and best friend. When I met him I was tied up in heroin and meth, coming into work high and puking on my breaks. I couldn’t lie to him. He knew. He looked me straight in my eyes and told me, “I can’t be with you if you choose to continue doing these drugs.” That’s the day I quit cold turkey. Everything. Quitting heroin opened doors to a new life, a life I had the opportunity to share with Derek.

We fell in love hard, so hard it knocked the wind out of me. I didn’t need drugs. We created a love that was a new kind of high, not one you can buy from a dealer. A genuine love that lasted 6 years. In those 6 years we grew together, over came obstacles, we were each other’s rock, and we pushed each other to be great and do more. But like many things in life, it came to an end. I refuse to let the bad outweigh the good, but there are thoughts I can’t deny when I look at my failed marriage….

“You are inadequate” I tell myself. “You are not enough.”

“There is nothing you can do to make people stay. They will outgrow you. They will no longer need you. They will move on. Once you have served your purpose, they will discard you.”

Every guy that has friend zoned me, every person who leaves me, every B that could have been an A, every day I weigh myself and I’ve stalled out, every time I fail to reach a PR, every time I binge or fail to track accurately, every time I make a mistake at work, every time I disappoint someone ….

“You are not enough.” 

I have always considered myself blessed. I hate to believe that I have struggles because I know it could be worse. You turn on the news and you see the world crumbling to ashes, meanwhile I am warm, clothed, fed, and sheltered. But denying I have pain that I carry with me every day is counterproductive for my own healing and internal peace.

So why am I choosing to compete? The raw honest truth, not an ego based lie, “I am trying to fill an empty void. I am striving to be enough.”

This type of thinking is bound to create unhealthy habits and set me up for failure. So how can I change the thought process and dialogue to set me up for success?

“I AM enough. I am MORE than adequate. Everything is inside me and I am capable of achieving anything. I know what needs to be done, and I posses the strength to execute.”

I can only begin by believing that this is true, and that in and of itself is a journey.

Without smoke and mirrors,
Jess

 

 

Twilight Zone of Singledom

The more time I spend alone, the more I enjoy it, and the more I find it difficult to find people I DO enjoy.

I feel as though I’m living in a paradox where I crave another person’s company to keep me warm at night, to laugh and bullshit, and create memories with; but the thought of another person occupying the same space as me, seeing them everyday, and feeling obligated to make time for them exhausts me.

I currently reside in the Twilight Zone of Singledom. This stage has been by far the most liberating and rewarding. I know what I want, but I also understand and can accept the fact that I’m not mentally prepared to enter a relationship. Neither do I want to…

This past year I’ve been in every situation imaginable. Some of which are comedic, others sad and pathetic, and some that are just…. wtf? No matter how fucked up or awkward some encounters have been, I believe each one of them has happened for a reason, helping me achieve peace, acceptance, and a general IDGAF attitude as I aimlessly float about this Twilight Zone.

Let’s start from the beginning shall we?

First guy I really took an interest in was pretty dope and I quickly became obsessed. Fitness guru who partakes in the ganja, nerdy sense of humor, and was pretty much going through the exact thing I was, so we understood each other. Although things didn’t pan out in the relationship department, I have a great friend who respects me and helped me through a tumultuous time. He taught me how to listen and how to be empathetic.

Second guy was basically a GQ model. He was the gateway to becoming more “adventurous” during my period where open relationships sounded like a good idea. I met him off Tinder while he was visiting family for the holidays. When he went back to Cali I quickly invited him to come live with me while he looked for a job. He drove up and it was all so surreal and new, but one week turned into two, turned into three, and I quickly discovered how much I enjoy my personal space and how we did NOT mesh. We were polar opposites. Religious conservative and hippy dippy peace loving liberal living under the same roof. Tensions were high, I became depressed, and I asked him to leave. We still talk and he lives in the area. He taught me that I value my space and require plenty of alone time to recharge.

Third guy taught me I should tame my sexual prowess and practice safety first ….. Nothing like a good scare as a reality check….. An obvious word of advice, make sure your sexual partner checks out BEFORE engaging in any sexual activity. Sure it might be a buzzkill right before they slip it in, but do you really want to carry a disease for life? No thanks. There’s my mommy rant for the day…. Sex Ed is way under appreciated these days… He taught me to be safe, cautious, and honest.

Fourth guy I ended up being the “other woman.” Never thought that person would be me, but I guess there’s a first time for everything. It might sound backwards, but he taught me to have respect for myself, to proceed with caution when I meet people, to truly love myself and see my own beauty and potential, and to never settle. He taught me that I deserve more than many people give me, and one day the person that will offer me the most will enter my life when they are meant to.

Fifth guy ….. all the good things and more. But after months of back and forth, we decided that staying friends would be best. Banging bod, partakes in the ganj, and most importantly someone I can share a strong spiritual connection with. Oddly, after meeting him and beginning to talk to him, my life became still. My once scattered life started to rearrange itself and all the pieces fell into place. I learned how to breathe again. He taught me what it means not only to love myself, but what it means to love others, and HOW to love others. The different shades and dimensions that make love so complex and yet so simple.

So where am I at right now?

At peace mostly. I’m content and I enjoy my solitude. I’m appreciative and grateful. Have I been bitter? Yes. Do the waves of bitterness come and go? Yes. But I know those waves will pass, and I know what I truly want, and I’m okay with waiting. Hell, take your time Universe…. I’m coastin’…..

~Jess

The Best Gift

Often times the best gifts aren’t material possessions, but rather meaningful words spoken from the heart. I’ve always considered myself old fashioned and sentimental. I love letters and kind gestures.

The best 25th birthday gift was a letter from my ex husband, who I shall now refer to as my best friend because ‘ex husband’ sounds derogatory, especially considering how thoughtful his letter was and the friendship we have:

“Hey Jess,

I wanted to say happy fucking birthday!  You are getting older and slowly realizing that you’re nearing thirty, which means you are closer to 40, and therefore, that much closer to death.

It has been quite the year for sure, around this time last year we were not doing so hot, but we were pushing along.  You were slowly realizing my life would be crazy busy, I was realizing my free time was running short, but we both tried to ignore the elephant in the room and passive-agressivley took it out on each other.

We were both sad, because we understood how much we had been through with each other but also felt that we were going different directions.  We grew with each other, we helped each other through thick and thin, and we were confident we could accomplish whatever we wanted.  However, I believe you always could do it on your own.  When we found each other you did not have a phone, a home, a family, or a credit score.  Today you are an independent woman who is planning her own vacation, but still cannot scrub mold out of her bathroom.  Moreover, I am so glad you can sit in a room with me without wanting to punch me in the face, I am glad we can still talk to each other, and I am glad that we were able to get through this past year without too much drama.  I do care about you Jess, I always will. I want to make sure you’re ok and taken care of, not like you need it, but I want the best for you.

Happy Birthday Jess, you deserve to take a break, relax, and enjoy yourself/those around you.  Although you still cannot drive, I think you are pretty cool.

Happy Birthday Jess,

P.S. I owe you a drink.

Derek Frank”

I teared up as I read it. I couldn’t have asked for a better gift. I never would have thought one of my most heart breaking experiences would turn around and put a smile on my face.

Here’s to the continuation of getting to know myself and unlocking parts of my soul I didn’t know existed. A special thanks to everyone who has been a guide in the process, no matter how big or small your role, I’m eternally grateful for everyone I’ve met and the part they have played in my journey.

~Jess

Love

love

This year has been intense.

I have experienced so much in such little time, good and bad, and I’ve dealt with it all on my own. Of course I’ve had the love and support of friends and family members, but I’ve come to realize I’m capable of being alone. In fact, I enjoy the time I get to spend with myself.

At first the idea terrified me, creating a new life, a new identity, and finding happiness within myself. So much happening at once: finalizing a divorce, surgery involved with donating my eggs, taking a career leap and learning a new role, my client passing away, travelling alone for the first time, adopting a dog from another country, all the while keeping myself busy with online school, training, partying and anything to quiet the thoughts in my head to avoid addressing the real issue: I still wasn’t finding happiness. I still wasn’t at peace. I still struggled with insecurities from my failed marriage, seeking validation in all the wrong places, from all the wrong people, using all the wrong methods.

Throughout the hardships and the mistakes I’ve learned so much about myself, especially my weaknesses and character flaws. Weaknesses are that I’m reckless, impulsive, and emotional, leading me to speak before I think, do before I think, and become insensitive to other people’s feelings. I used people as a temporary band-aid and in return, I was used. I refused to love me first, instead I tried finding love and validation from others, leaving me even more empty, broken, and damaged.

Then something beautiful happened. An experience so raw, terrifying, and honest that shocked me into changing my life, my perspective, and my overall relationship with myself. I asked myself the questions I had been avoiding: Do I even like myself? Am I a good person? What is my purpose? What am I doing to improve my life? Am I happy? How am I going to achieve happiness? What IS happiness?

I decided I needed to change my life. I could no longer wallow in self pity and pain. I needed to pick myself up, dust off that shit, and move forward.

In doing so, I made peace with my ex husband. Derek has been a huge part of my life, I love him, always will, he will always be a best friend and confidante. I’m blessed to have spent the time I did with him, and I’m eternally grateful for our experiences together. I also made the decision to get a second job for many reasons: save up for a car, save up for vacation, pay off debt, and to socialize myself because I have a tendency to become a hermit. Creating healthy friendships with others is second to creating a healthy relationship with yourself. The people I work with are amazing, and I truly feel by making the decision to work where I’m working, I am much happier, mentally healthier, and it was in my cards. Everyone is uplifting, hilarious, there to laugh and have a good time and make some money.

The biggest decision I made was to start loving and appreciating myself. To no longer look outward, but to begin looking inward. To accept myself for all my flaws, my experiences good or bad, to forgive myself for everything I did in attempt to self medicate: the promiscuity, using people, substance abuse, and lack of self respect.

I started to heal.

I have more good days, I find reasons to smile, and I do my best to find the positive in every situation. I can sit in silence without becoming uncomfortable with my own thoughts. I enjoy my solitude, I find it peaceful. I’m no longer terrified of being alone. I can enjoy the company of others without searching for their affirmations. Every day I’m learning how to love myself more and more, and as I do, my outlook on life and my relationships with those around me begin to change as well.

I am learning how to become love.

11 Signs You are a Lifter

gym

I thought I’d give another shot at a blog post since my last one was pretty well received. One topic that has been on my mind is the signs and quirks of a lifter. I wouldn’t consider myself a hardcore power lifter, but I do lift none the less and share these characteristics with many fellow lifters in the gym rat community (Christ, lemme throw ‘lift’ in there a fourth time!). Some of these are more geared towards women, but I hope you enjoy!

1. You have replaced your purse with a gym bag – Let’s be real, a purse isn’t really you anyways. Totes? Clutches? Satchels? Foreign language to you. You carry around a duffle bag full of resistance bands, squat pads, cable cuffs, pre workout, shaker cups, and Quest bars. You would need a pretty big purse to carry all that around. Not to mention you have your lifting shoes and running shoes in there, and probably some rank ass gym clothes.

2. You constantly carry around a gallon jug wherever you go – Staying hydrated is crucial. You don’t even drink out of a glass anymore, you wanna know exactly how many ounces of elixir of life is going into your precious temple. 128oz to be exact…

3. People always ask what your regimen is – I still haven’t really perfected the cliff notes version of what I do. You basically say, “Lift heavy shit and EAT!” I know people are looking for a more in depth answer, but when you start spouting shit about macros and counting your carbs, proteins, and fats, people look like a deer caught in head lights.

4. You have more gym clothes than regular clothes – What’s the point of having regular clothes anyhow? Bring on the Nike Compression shorts, leggings, tank tops and muscle tanks. Comfort is key in the gym, why not outside the gym too?

5. Donuts and pizza are life – Let’s be real, if you’re not consuming one of these as a lifter, do you even lift?

6. Your social life revolves around your gym life – “Ummmmm sorry can’t go! I’m training legs today! What about after? Will there be food, cause I’ll be famished. Can I wear gym clothes?”

7. Your hands are calloused and your shins have bruises – Who needs lifting gloves? Wear those callouses with pride. Got some ugly bruises on your shins? Then you’re doing it right, keep crushin’ your PR’s. You’re single anyhow, ain’t nobody gonna wanna hold your hand.

8. Idea of a perfect date? Grocery shop and meal prep – “Dear Lord Jesus, please bring me a man who gets just as excited as me about going to Costco and meal prepping in bulk.” Naked Sundays and meal prep? Not if we’re cooking bacon!

9. Laundry seems to be a never ending task – This is the actual worst. Laundry never endsssss! You pretty much have a hamper of clean clothes that never make it to the dresser drawers. “They’re just gym clothes, it’s okay if they’re wrinkly” your lazy ass justifies.

10. You have the sickest lifting playlists – O yeah, some G-Eazy, Tech N9ne, Rittz, and bootylicious Dessert by Dawin. Need a good pump? Gangsta rap is where it’s at. Some old school shit like Ice Cube, N.W.A and The Beastie Boys does a body gooooood.

11. You have replaced your jeans with leggings and maxi skirts – Along with booty gains comes a life and wardrobe full of leggings, and maxi skirts. The circumference of dat ass won’t fit in a pair of jeans to save your life, and if you manage to squeeze into a pair, you’re left with a pancake booty and waaaaay too much room in the waist. Jeans are overrated anyhow, like #4 states, comfort is key, inside AND outside the gym.

~Jess

 

9 Signs You’re Single AF

fart

It’s been a hot minute since I wrote a blog post. Typically I would update with a fitness post, but I’m trying to keep that part of my life low key. I have a new coach and team who I’m really excited to work with, but I won’t be making any announcements for a few months.

That being said, I thought I would get in touch with my more comedic real life writing.

The past 8 months I’ve been single AF. At first it was a bummer, like, “What the hell is wrong with me?!” But now I can’t help but laugh a little. I’m no longer fighting the fact that I’m single, I’ll accept that shit with open arms. Sure, a giant California King gets kinda lonely when your dog has no concept of cuddling, but that’s more room to sleep like a fucking psycho in a straight jacket, waking up horizontal, diagonal, or upside down.

Here’s a few signs that you’re single AF if you didn’t already know, which I hope you do? These have been applicable for me, but may not be for everyone:

  1. You’re not even really sure what a date is – What’s a date anyhow? Do you go somewhere dressed up or dressed down? Do you have to spend money? Is dating simply spending time with someone? According to Dictionary.com, a date is, “a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged before hand with another person.” Still pretty clueless…. 
  2. Sure you have a Boyfriend, if we’re referring to your pet – Boyfriend takes up any time you would have for a real human Boyfriend anyways. He doesn’t talk, he just sits there looking cute, and he’s always fucking excited to see you when you come home. Sure he eats cat poop and you can’t kiss him, but some days he beats a real boyfriend anyways.
  3. You have no real food in the house – Your most commonly used apps on your phone are Door Dash, East 24, and Prime Now…. there’s no need to cook or have real food in the house anyways, you’re feeding one mouth, and you know exactly what you like, that delicious beef Pad Thai from that Thai place down the street…. brought to you.
  4. You spend all your time in the gym – No boyfriend? More gains! You’d think with that bangin’ bod you’re building finding a dude would be a cake walk, but alas, that’s where you’re wrong. Perhaps you need to wipe off that resting bitch face.
  5. Your couch has one spot that is “broken in” – Yup, that’s where you park your fat single ass, smoke a bowl, veg out watching comedy laughing to yourself while eating your body weight in almond butter …. alone. Probably a good thing you’re alone too, because if not, you’re sure to be alone after someone see’s that side of you.
  6. You get friend zoned by anyone you show interest in – You’re just a really “great friend.” *Rolls eyes* Okaaaaay. Your idea is to move on, but then you end up being best friends with anyone who has ever friend zoned you. How sick and twisted. A joke from the Universe ….. Thanks Universe.
  7. Your manager wants to play match maker – You’re sure they’re kidding, but you can’t help but get all nervous, blush, runaway and hide. Girl, that’s NOT how you get yourself a man….
  8. People say, “You’re single?! How?!” – One of my favorites. “I dunno! If I fucking knew maybe I wouldn’t BE single. Will you date me?! Didn’t think so……” The other side is, “It’s my choice, men are overrated.”
  9. You deleted all your dating apps – Well duh. No wonder you’re single. However, when you DID have all the dating apps and gadgets, everyone proved to be a fucking ass wipe anyhow, so you’re really not missing out on much.

I’m sure there’s PLENTY more signs of being single AF, but these were a few of my favorites.

The past 8 months I’ve learned so much about myself and have achieved a level of inner peace that I would have thought impossible last September. For those of you that know me or have been reading my blog for a while will know I recently went through a rough divorce. I can confidently say that I am healing and my ex and I are good friends, another thing I would have thought impossible. I genuinely want the best for him and we both talk regularly about what’s going on in our lives. We shared a lot of great memories and experiences and he will always be one of my best friends.

That being said, I’m glad he’s finding happiness and seeing other people! In the mean time, I’m embracing that single life. Crushin’ gym PR’s, crushin’ pizza PR’s, working 60 hour work weeks, staying on top of my classes, and checking off some items on my “Single Life Bucket List.”

~Jess