“Thank You Universe”

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I am thankful for the opportunities the Universe presents me to practice patience, express unconditional love, and train my own ego.

Stub my toe? “Thank you Universe.”

Didn’t qualify for Financial Aid? “Thank you Universe.”

Came into work greeted by a shit storm? “Thank you Universe.”

Boy broke my heart? “Thank you Universe.”

Those are mild examples, but you get the idea.

This will sound cliche, but life is too short to spend time dwelling in a negative space, don’t expend energy stressing about the bullshit that won’t matter when you reach the end of your life. There are lessons to be learned in everything around us, the Universe has no fixed agenda.

Sure, I preach about love and ego and so on, but I struggle with these concepts like anyone else. When my pride gets hurt, I know it’s my ego that’s hurting. When I’m tempted to react in the same old way, sometimes I fall into temptation and react before I think. I’m still searching for the definition of love, when in all reality love is different for each person.

What I do know is I am an empath and feel everything around me. I am constantly overwhelmed with emotion and the weight of the world. I wear my heart on my sleeve and love hard. I am vulnerable. I am human. Even when I hurt, I refuse to believe in the intrinsic selfishness of people, even though there is plenty of evidence supporting this thought.

Eat the pain. Emanate love.

The truth is, everyone will hurt you, even the ones you love most. Does that make them a good or a bad person? I don’t believe in black or white. I recently had an experience that tested both my ego and my definition of love. I will admit, I reacted poorly, but alas, another lesson from the Universe. “Thank you Universe.” In retrospect I can think of a million different ways I could have reacted, but my initial reaction was confusion and disappointment.

From that state I quickly escalated to anger and made some rash decisions. Do I regret them? No. What’s the point of regret? Did I learn my lesson? Yeah… calm the fuck down. Did I die? No, then shut the hell up and move on, chuck it in the fuck it bucket and scoot.

By reacting the way I did, I was not practicing love, which bothered me because I’ve been studying love, sexuality, ego, and so on for the past few months. I’m no longer angry. I’ve learned the hard way that holding onto anger and hate is poison.

So what is the lesson learned? Think before I react. Guard my heart. Learn to know the difference between helping someone in need, or enabling someone to use me for my resources, including my time and energy.

In hindsight, I also learned that I am capable of love. I was also surrounded with hope, optimism, and positivity. When you’ve seen the shit I’ve seen, and done the things I’ve done, sometimes a young mind is a breathe of fresh air, a look at the world through rose tinted glasses. I learned to appreciate the small things and to take a deep breathe. I was inspired to study love and the ego and launched into a journey of exploring my own consciousness. I also learned that age and life experience DO matter. However, the positive impact far outweighed any damage to my pride and ego.

So, “Thank you Universe, for the opportunity to challenge myself, to improve, to exercise patience, and to move on when moving on is required. Thank you for the lessons learned, a new perspective, and personal insight. Thank you for the people in my life who practice unconditional love and who are an example to others. Thank you for everything I am interconnected with.”

Thank you.

~Jess

 

 

 

 

Love

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This year has been intense.

I have experienced so much in such little time, good and bad, and I’ve dealt with it all on my own. Of course I’ve had the love and support of friends and family members, but I’ve come to realize I’m capable of being alone. In fact, I enjoy the time I get to spend with myself.

At first the idea terrified me, creating a new life, a new identity, and finding happiness within myself. So much happening at once: finalizing a divorce, surgery involved with donating my eggs, taking a career leap and learning a new role, my client passing away, travelling alone for the first time, adopting a dog from another country, all the while keeping myself busy with online school, training, partying and anything to quiet the thoughts in my head to avoid addressing the real issue: I still wasn’t finding happiness. I still wasn’t at peace. I still struggled with insecurities from my failed marriage, seeking validation in all the wrong places, from all the wrong people, using all the wrong methods.

Throughout the hardships and the mistakes I’ve learned so much about myself, especially my weaknesses and character flaws. Weaknesses are that I’m reckless, impulsive, and emotional, leading me to speak before I think, do before I think, and become insensitive to other people’s feelings. I used people as a temporary band-aid and in return, I was used. I refused to love me first, instead I tried finding love and validation from others, leaving me even more empty, broken, and damaged.

Then something beautiful happened. An experience so raw, terrifying, and honest that shocked me into changing my life, my perspective, and my overall relationship with myself. I asked myself the questions I had been avoiding: Do I even like myself? Am I a good person? What is my purpose? What am I doing to improve my life? Am I happy? How am I going to achieve happiness? What IS happiness?

I decided I needed to change my life. I could no longer wallow in self pity and pain. I needed to pick myself up, dust off that shit, and move forward.

In doing so, I made peace with my ex husband. Derek has been a huge part of my life, I love him, always will, he will always be a best friend and confidante. I’m blessed to have spent the time I did with him, and I’m eternally grateful for our experiences together. I also made the decision to get a second job for many reasons: save up for a car, save up for vacation, pay off debt, and to socialize myself because I have a tendency to become a hermit. Creating healthy friendships with others is second to creating a healthy relationship with yourself. The people I work with are amazing, and I truly feel by making the decision to work where I’m working, I am much happier, mentally healthier, and it was in my cards. Everyone is uplifting, hilarious, there to laugh and have a good time and make some money.

The biggest decision I made was to start loving and appreciating myself. To no longer look outward, but to begin looking inward. To accept myself for all my flaws, my experiences good or bad, to forgive myself for everything I did in attempt to self medicate: the promiscuity, using people, substance abuse, and lack of self respect.

I started to heal.

I have more good days, I find reasons to smile, and I do my best to find the positive in every situation. I can sit in silence without becoming uncomfortable with my own thoughts. I enjoy my solitude, I find it peaceful. I’m no longer terrified of being alone. I can enjoy the company of others without searching for their affirmations. Every day I’m learning how to love myself more and more, and as I do, my outlook on life and my relationships with those around me begin to change as well.

I am learning how to become love.

Back to Business and Basics

The last 3 months have been one hell of a ride. A year ago today I never would have thought I would be where I am today. Even though this year shook my world like it’s never been shaken and challenged my mind and spirit, I have grown immensely in a short amount of time and I look forward to a future of growth as a strong individual.

Many of you may already know, but I have been going through a divorce over the past few months which will be finalized in 2016. In the beginning, I experienced deep depression for a month where I refused to eat, had zero energy, would cry every day and when I thought I couldn’t cry anymore, I would cry harder. My existence was being crushed, I never thought I would recover. I defined myself by my marriage, and when my marriage started to crumble, so did I. I felt my identity being stripped, leaving me empty and numb.

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Over time, with the love, compassion, and support of friends and family, my spirit began to flourish again. I could smile again, I could laugh again, and I could sing again. I found happiness and peace of mind, I let go of my ego and started to live again. I’m beginning to live care free, spontaneously, grateful and full of appreciation for everything I’ve been blessed with. I’m ready to take back my life.

The past 3 months have been full of changes and the next year will be filled with so many more. Stay tuned.

Peace & love…

~Jess